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As you may have read from a previous blog or FB posting, I’m in Washington with family due to my younger sisters’ sudden death. It has been tough but healing has begun. The light of day is again sneaking toward me as it becomes reassuring in its comfort.

While sitting in my daughters’ living room, I listen to the birds sing, watch the clouds dissipate into heaven or wherever they go and think about how quickly these days have rolled away. During this visit I have captured hugs, kisses, memories and lots of love from my family. Lives have been mended, stories have been told and misunderstandings forgiven. Sadly, it is often the tears of losing a loved one that seem to wash away the anger, drama or missed opportunities from prior years or perhaps even days. All I know is the essence of those around me will keep me going until the next visit.

As I feel myself wrapped comfortably in Jason’s (my daughters’ wonderful boyfriend…love you Jason) leather chair – one that I swear must have been made with me in mind – I watch the world go by, the view of our beautiful Puget Sound and sweet birds soothing my tired soul.

How is it I can love my life in Colorado and feel so at home but when I’m with my family – regardless of the rain – I feel at home here too? “Because you grew up there,” you say in response to this silly question I have posed. Yes, this has been my home for…let’s just say many years…my life echoing in the trees, water, grass and buildings structured to give us the comfort of living. But my home is now in Colorado – that is what I tell people when they ask where home is. But that isn’t it. I do love the weather in Colorado…lots of sunshine, as you know from my FB postings. Where my home is now, is wherever my husband is…because that is where my heart is. He is my protector, my laughter and my joy.

Regardless of arguments – we continue to grow and understand each other – it is with his love for me that I continue to grow as a person. I no longer look at others with an instant question of “what can I do for them” – instead I think to myself how blessed I am to enjoy their company…simply that. That may sound crass, but what I’m trying to say is I am a people pleaser…if I get a hint someone needs something I try to take care of it. And at times it has been at a bigger cost to me, financially, physically or emotionally.

I’m not a saint, or even a good person sometimes…so if this sounds like I’m tooting my own horn, I’m not. Let me explain – as a child we lived in a situation that created the “pleaser” in me. Always wanting to keep the peace at any cost. Survival became a daily chore to accomplish and therefore a need to do whatever it took to ease the guilt of being substandard in the eyes of many.

Please don’t misunderstand me, I never want to lose the ability to be sensitive to what others need – I just want to gain the balance needed to be good to others and to myself at the same time. I enjoy making people smile, but I too need the inner peace that radiates that I am also caring for myself…as selfish at that may sound.

Even though I sit and ponder life, the sweetness and blessings family add to our life…I will be glad to get home. Home to my husband, his quirky ways of showing his love and protectiveness over me and our home.

As a side note to this blog, I want to add that during our memorial service for my sister, her husband shared a tradition his family did every year during their July 4th celebration. They all stand in a circle and while holding hands they sing along with Lee Greenwood’s ‘God Bless the USA’. With tears of loss and of pride, we all joined in to continue this tradition in my sister Laurie Lee’s honor. As chills ran through me to the words of that beautiful song, I know Laurie was watching and smiling as she felt our love for her, how moved we were in our hearts and the pride we carry because we are blessed to be here…on solid ground. I hope, no matter where your home is, you are blessed to enjoy the liberties of a free country and are able to touch your toes and stand tall on your great land.

Though my heart is still heavy from the loss of my sister, at the same time it is hard not to see the blessings my life is filled with daily. I have written more than one blog in regards to my move from Washington to Colorado. Though I miss my family, I have been blessed with a wonderful life here and with Dan…far exceeding my expectations. When you love someone as much as I love Dan, you don’t care where that love takes you as long as you are together…we are now one, a family within its own rights. But as much as I love him, leaving family was difficult.

That being said, over the past couple years I’ve met and made friends with some great people. And today I want to express my gratitude to a particular group…my church family. God leads us in directions we don’t always understand or agree with but it’s His direction and we follow that lead…or at least try to.

I have a big family – covering parts of the Pacific Northwest, Canada, my son and daughter-in-law in Reno, and my extended family through Dan farther to the east of us. Over the last two years I have gained another family, a family that also loves me and protects my heart with their love through Jesus. I am so grateful for all of them. I have never had a church family as warm and caring as they are and I am thankful everyday.

Trials in life keep me wondering what it’s all about sometimes, so I turn to my bible, friends, family, but most importantly to God. I am emotionally tapped right now and it would have been easy to sleep in and let rest wash over me, but I didn’t – I needed to be with my church family and feel their comfort and love surround me. It isn’t a matter of words, though comforting as they might be, there is little to be said in times of sorrow…no it was the hugs…the sincerity in which they are given that I felt today. So, I want to thank them all…for who they are through God and as my family. I am blessed.

Now I can say I have a huge family…bigger than most and as wonderful as ever. Thank you God, for I know through them you are wrapping your arms around me with your love.

I lost another sibling today…this time a sister. Has the world stopped yet…feels like it should with the pain in our hearts…but no it still hammers away. Laurie was younger and a whole lot sweeter than I will ever be. She was the sister we would find sleeping in the dog house with the dogs…just because she loved them so much. Never an angry word, sour tone or negative thought…Laurie loved everyone and everything.

Now my brother-in-law Alan will be expected to forge forward…has the world stopped yet? Still the answer is no…it hammers away. Why do I want so much to stop the spinning ground we walk on and have everyone take a minute just to remember Laurie and her sweet ways…because she was so sweet. It won’t make the news in the fashion of the Boston bombings…or even the local news of our neighborhoods…but she will radiate her goodness into the air and with that I guess I have to be satisfied. I’m not being realistic because today is filled with sorrow…for Alan, the rest of my siblings, the generations following ours, Laurie’s friends and extended family…and for me.

I know tomorrow and the days that follow will be constant reminders of how important family is…so hug your sister, brother, child, grandchild, family members alike…and don’t forget your friends.

Rest in peace Laurie…love forever and a day.

xoxo

There are memories in our life that wait patiently to appear. The day comes and that memory begins a journey into our day like a bubble in the bottom of a pan of boiling water…bubbling up it rises to the top and screams to break free. Yesterday was that day for me. It will, all too quickly, be followed by an equally strong haunting memory.

During our walk through life our events become memories. Some are so pleasant we smile all day knowing we would experience that day again in a heartbeat. Other memories haunt us as if it will stop an equally strong heartbeat. It hovers at the top of that boiling pan and smiles knowing with it will come pain and sorrow.

Most memories stand-alone, they have a beginning, middle and end. Others know they hold a second chapter and at times can shadow the initial memory with the anticipation of it coming. Sadness can grip your heart as if every fiber will be torn from it’s beginning.

Regardless of how the chapters in our lives are created, they are there forever, etched in fine paper. If I could change some pages, rewrite them to fit my own desires I would, but that isn’t how my book is written. The particular pages of life as I know them will stream more pages I cannot stop. No matter how much I pray to stop that bubbling chapter from churning up to the top of the boiling pan of water it will come anyhow. Sometimes I wish my life could skip over these days, “move on I say and let’s get to May”. My saving grace is knowing the day will pass to the next and with it the memory I dread shall be tucked away in the memory box again. There are days throughout the year the haunting memory will work hard to poke its head out of the box. Some days it will succeed. Other days it cannot overcome the beautiful colors of the sweet memory that stands before it. I look forward to those days. I know it will be followed by the other, but how can I not want to feel those wonderful moments again, how can I not want to feel those seconds that shine as bright as a star in my heart.

I have lived many days gathering memories along the way. Some memories written with joy and some with sadness I cannot escape. These two memories I spoke about are simply moments in time for my book has many pages.

As you know I am a Christian…which summed up means I have a relationship with Jesus that has gotten me through some very dark times and keeps me smiling through the rest. I am very blessed to have a great home church. It’s a small church and when I first moved to Colorado, I was welcomed as if we had all grown up together. My pastor is a wonderful teacher and I learn from him weekly, but at times he has others give the lesson…such as this past Sunday when our youth pastor stepped up to share his trip with the teens. As a group they experienced “Dare 2 Share”. It’s a Christian gospel youth ministry.

As Brent spoke, my interest and emotions continued to build as each word rang of wisdom, sadness, fear, love and growth…yep, just about every emotion. He talked about experiences they had shared…like jumping off of cliff into the water and trusting God while doing it. Then he had a couple of the teens come up and talk about their adventure at Wal-Mart, going up and asking people randomly if they believed in Christ. There is more to this story but the point is they went out of their comfort zone to reach out to others. They also texted friends to see where they were in their faith and that’s when emotions started to build.

Part of the program had kids ask their friends to sum up their life in six words. They had done this themselves already….and the answers were staggering. They may be smiling on the outside but may of them answered – lonely, feeling abandon by their parents, unloved, scared, wanting to die…..the list goes on.

Dare 2 Share is teaching kids how to trust their lives to God and not be afraid anymore. It gives them strength, love, compassion and understanding while they continue to learn and grow in their walk with God.

As I listened to Brent and the kid’s talk, I was inspired to share with all of you. We also watched a propaganda video that kids understand, so I’ve added the link and ask only that you take a few moments to watch this with your children. It is powerful and delivers a message in a way they can relate to.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-PtE1BrqKU

After you listen to it, ask them to write down how they feel about their life in six words….truthfully. Then ask them to talk to you about it. If they are not comfortable talking to you about them…have them give the list to someone they trust or email me and I’ll talk to them. Look for a chapter of Dare 2 Share in your area or see how you can get your kids involved. There are so many lost children in this world and some of them could be right under your nose. There have always been youth groups through churches; my daughter was very active in hers and I wish my son had been. But this is something so different and so needed to help our children get through some of their darkest times and become strong God loving adults. I am a parent, and I know how it is when you ask how they are and all you ever get is “fine”. Reaching children deep inside to understand them is hard, I’m no expert for sure, but maybe with the right tools they can be reached. And that tool is Jesus Christ.

So, here it is…I challenge you and your children to watch this video then write down the six words that describe their life and you do the same…honestly…send it to me either through Facebook (private message) or email me cjv750@gmail.com…either one and I promise to talk to you about it…maybe point you in a direction that could help you. I am not a preacher, teacher, or scholar – but I am a Christian that loves God and knows how much he loves me…even with all the shortcomings I have and there are A LOT…trust me. Maybe…just maybe we can help one child not feel hopeless…or maybe it’s you that needs that extra hug.

I’m here and so is God…