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I sit by the sea, watching, waiting for an answer to come in with the curl of a wave. Maybe the next one will hold the truth; maybe it will hold that infinite key of life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Why is it so easy to make some decisions – what sweater to wear, what movie to see…yet matters of the heart will yank us around like a rag doll. If we love, are we loved back as expected? We know we need to protect our heart after so many tears, but then we give it away fully, so sure this time it will be protected and caressed in the manner needed – yet knowing we risk being disappointed again. Decisions are full of questions, regrets filling both sides – yet nowhere do we find the answers – nowhere are the directions clear. No blueprint sits with the mathematical lines leading here or there.

Days become a riveting array of emotions, either side holding answers, while at the same time leaving questions. Words and promises pull at us as if they are right…they hold the truth. Then the fear of their emptiness makes us want to run, hide…jump ahead to where we want to be, where we belong…but the impact of that decision is dark, unfriendly with unexpected results we are frightened to see, feel, hear…will the trail we leave ever heal? Will it see new life as we seek new air to breath…an unknown answer that haunts our core of being as we desperately wish to control it.

I sit by the sea and wait, surely a wave will release the answer as it claims the sandy beach…surely.

As time passes, and days become years, our lives are filled with memories. Our pains are real, our sorrows felt. We smile at the happy times that fill our lives with laughter and joy. Then life kicks us in the stomach and the hurt is felt for years. We have memories that flood back and haunt us like a thorn newly stepped upon.

Sometimes I wonder what it’s all for…you know…the struggles, the sadness that can fill my day as the anniversary of a pivotal moment creeps up behind me, waiting to pounce. I’ll think to myself, “this year will be better, after all it’s been so long ago”…but the sharpness of that knife digs in and turns a little bit more every day as the moments click away. Healing from a tragic event is tough; we cannot wait for the time to pass by to help us get through the initial throws of our anguish, but each year that day reappears and instead of being healed we go back in time…wondering…waiting…feeling despair…feeling lonely because it is a solitary anguish only we can feel.

This year the anniversary will be filled with events that can only be described as love…love that runs so deep that surely the haunting seconds will click by unnoticed…or so I hope. As new experiences fill my day this year, other decisions plague me; other thoughts squeeze in trying to fill my mind with the “what ifs” to ponder or dread. May of us are in positions of making decisions that are not easy, and will change the course of the path we travel. Why we struggle with decisions we know could be best for us is a wonderment all it’s own. What makes us hesitate, what makes us wait? Is it being caught between two worlds…both filled with something we long for, something we dream about and desire? Or is it the fear of making a decision that changes everything and cannot be undone…no matter how hard or scary it becomes.

I’ve often wondered if I could have done anything to changed the outcome of the pain filled memory I’ve carried these past thirty years. Will thinking about it change where I am today? Of course not, but being the thinker that I am it becomes a struggle not to think about what could have been, would have been if the outcome of that day had been different. Now as my life is filled with new decisions, new struggles, I wonder why I have not figured out how to look ahead to see what my decisions will do? Why can’t God provide one glimpse into the future to help me with my choices? You would think at my age I would have figured out how to make decisions based on the trickle down affect…but no…my humanness, foolishness, selfishness or whatever is inside of me always wins out. I’ll never be able to go back and make changes, but I sure would love to go forward making better decisions.

Regardless of memories that haunt me, I am filled with sweet memories too, and those are what get me through my days. This year I hope to skim past the most painful one and let the new sweeter memories fill my soul as days roll forward and that particular anniversary taps on my shoulder and says, “I’m here.”

There are many times in life where I’ve made mistakes…yes, hard to believe, right? Anyhow, all joking aside, I have made my share. As a child, I doubt highly that I admitted to these errors in my judgment. As an adult it has become easier to say, “hey, I was wrong” or “yeah, that was stupid of me”…I’m not perfect, there are times I struggle too, but in the end I try to do what is right and bite the bullet.
So why do so many people still struggle with the concept? I recently read a FB post where someone talked about others creating an unpleasant situation and how this person found a way to move forward. I admire that strength, because that is where maturity shows its true colors. I do not have a clue what it was about, but it brought up a situation that inspired this blog.
You see, it is obvious the person that wrote that post on FB gets the true fundamentals in life…when so many others do not. It’s called being real…so what about the person that never gets it, will they go through life always wanting to blame someone else for their misfortune, or their unhappiness…or worse yet, their mistakes?
If I forget to get gas in my car or pick up bread at the store, the world will still roll on as before. However, I’ll berate myself for being forgetful and inconveniencing my husband as we head out the next day without our morning toast and because now he needs to fuel up for a trip across town. I’ll easily take the blame…no big deal on that one, right??? When I’m wrong, I’m wrong…it doesn’t stop the world; it doesn’t make the birds’ stop flying or the rain from coming. In fact, it will not change anything. These are simple fixes, and trust me there are many of these situations that occur. I know I jokingly blame it on old age…but in reality that is still an “oops, my fault” moment.
I recently heard a person complaining because they got a traffic ticket. The policeman pulled this person (no, this time it wasn’t me) over for making an illegal left turn and for not wearing a seatbelt. Yes, the sign was clearly marked there was not left turn allowed, but they felt it did not apply to them. Really???? So, that is when the “I am NOT wrong” comments started. This person could hardly contain themselves; the ugly side came out to play with nastiness and harshness galore. Then it was revealed that the police officer wrote a ticket for “no seatbelt” and let the other go with a warning (would have been close to a $500.00 fine), you would think the “yeah, I was in the wrong” words would have flowed easily…but you would have been wrong…because the ugliness continued.
People often surprise me…even at my older age, but what is sad to me is the disappointment that comes with that surprise. I feel deep in my heart that when people cannot admit wrong doing, can’t say they are sorry, or try to change their behavior in these situations…they are losing out. They are not growing in the beauty of life, in the beauty of relationships, in the beauty of even the newest friendships.
I guess what I’m saying is, let it go…don’t hang on to the embarrassment of an error in judgment…free yourself and those around you by taking on the sense of humility and admit when you are wrong. You will be a better person and in reality you will be much happier.
Life is short…be real.

As the sun begins to shine, I watch the blue sky as it brightens. It will be a bit warmer here in Denver today. Not quite warm enough to stretch out on my new gravity chair, but it’s getting there.
Every day we wake up and start our day without any warning of accidents or misfortunes of any kind. Instead, we sing (yes, I’m a hummer), chat with family members, enjoy our first cup of coffee and perhaps a bagel or toast. We plan our day of shopping, errands or work, if you are still in that stage of your life (I love being retired). Simply said, we go about our day without any thought to how quickly it can change. We move about with faith we can enjoy our day and not fret.
Throughout our lives, we feel the sorrow of lost loves, passing friends and family member and, of course, general disappointments. There are days when an accident occurs that might bring us to a stop for a few days or even a few months, and we thank God it wasn’t any worse. I experienced three losses in 2013, a stepbrother, a younger sister and dear friend, and at the time I wondered if my heart would ever mend. It is when one of those unbearable tragedies rises up before us we are reminded of how fragile life is. How life as we know it can change in the blink of an eye.
Do you ever wonder why we don’t lock ourselves up in our homes for fear of an accident, a broken heart, or a possible disappointment?
I believe it is because we are also grateful for the wonders of life. The trees, the flowers…the promise of spring crocus making their way through the dirt to announce the coming of warmer weather and outside enjoyment. We are excited to have lunch with a friend, go to our child’s school function or whatever our day holds.
As quickly as life can change, I don’t sit and fret about it, and I hope you don’t either. My daughter told me once; worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair, it’s a lot of motion, but you are going nowhere. I try not to worry, notice I said, “try”…because no matter what, it won’t stop a tragedy or accident of any degree.
So, as I watch the sun come up and the blue sky brighten, I plan my day as if the world is the most wondrous place of all and today is going to be a great day. I may be getting ahead of myself here, but before we know it, the buds will make their way out on the branches and the ground will move as flowers push themselves up toward the sun. It’s a beautiful day for sure.

As I begin my journey for this year, 2014, I can’t help but be excited. When I opened the blinds, I could see new snow had blown in during the night. Not that snow excites me, we all know how I feel about snow, but it’s okay because it’s only a dusting. I was suspicious it might have snowed, because of how quiet it was outside…a sure give away.

Snow aside, it’s a new year; one I hope will be filled with health and happiness for everyone. What I am so excited about is I’ve written two more books and thought I would share a little bit about them with you…yes; I’m hoping to get you excited too.

Book two is a sequel to my first novel, “Do I Know You”. For those of you that didn’t read book one, here is a little taste:

    Sara lives in Washington State and as a young woman knows the meaning of tragedy. With an inheritance most of us can only dream of, she ventures to Seaside, Oregon for a vacation and finds herself face to face with Rob, a childhood boyfriend. What appears to be a chance meeting with Rob is anything but that. Still, Sara ignores messages that are revealed in her dreams and allows the fast paced romance with Rob, a man she should not trust, lead to marriage. Sara loves her new life until tragedy strikes…leaving her to fight for her life.

I’ll be careful not to say too much here, hoping others will want to read book one before reading the sequel, but for those of you that did read my first novel, the second book brings a different twist to how life can turn upside down in the blink of an eye. It’s filled with suspense and brings the world of manipulation to a new light. The title is “Taking What Is Mine” and my goal is to bring it to your hands by late spring.

Even I didn’t expect my third book titled “As If Yesterday”. I took the National Novel Writers challenge during the month of November and successfully wrote another novel. I love my characters, especially my leading lady, Mi, a strong and independent woman. Life’s experience have taught her…well, here is a taste, you be the judge:

After thirteen years of running away from her past, Mi returns and find herself standing on the steps of the house that haunts her, her life, her being. She feels her grandfather’s hands, feels her skin crawl…feels what she has become because of it. 

She hoped this move back home would change her somehow. Wishing it would be okay this time, but it’s the same, she’s the same. 

She calls him, but there is no answer. In truth, she didn’t expect him to say her name, feel her skin…not anymore

One man has found her, pursued her and will stop at nothing to unbury the truth.

The past drove her to be whom she is…leaving a trail of secrets behind her she strives to be someone else, someone a man can love, someone her family can love. The fear of discovery has taught her to skim past the questions, change direction of conversations and look away from the truth of what she is, who is she…victim or monster – will they love her or will they see…her?

So there you have it folks…I hope you found this little preview interesting enough to get a copy of each when they are published. And if you haven’t read book one, you can pick up a copy on Amazon, look for it under the title “Do I Know You” by CJ Vermote. Or use the link from my website, www.cjvermote.com. It’s available in paperback or Kindle and if you don’t have a Kindle, you can get it on Smashwords for other readers. I hope you are looking forward to an exciting year and are ready to make friends with my characters as they experience a life of suspense.

With one novel published in 2013, along with two more novels written, this next year of 2014 should prove to be filled with the accomplishment of getting them published and hopefully into your hands to read. Thanks for reading my blog and for reading my novels and enjoying my characters.

Life is a journey, and I am enjoying the ride. I hope you can live, laugh, love and be thankful…I know I am.