I can hardly believe another year has gone by? Looking back over this past year, a lot has happened. I reconciled my marriage…yes, that was a big one, and I’m grateful daily for my marriage. I published my third book, ‘As If Yesterday’…a stand-alone novel. Moved into a great apartment, close to my daughter and her family. Spent the year picking up grandkids, as needed, from school, doctor appointments anything that was on the schedule. Being close to my daughter and her family again, well, it’s simply a dream come true. Someday I hope to have my son and family living close too. As the saying goes, “it takes a village to raise a child”…and I’m better for the experience.
I traveled to Ohio the end of May to watch my stepson graduate from high school, and four months later went back to Ohio when my stepson committed suicide. I’ve blogged about the tragedy in an effort to stop future families from experiencing the most tragic death a parent or other family member can be forced to deal with.
We, meaning my husband and I, set out a hummingbird feeder, and were successful in getting their attention. My early mornings are now spent watching them drink the sweet nectar I prepare for them weekly. We recently added wild bird food and suet to the mix, to attract other feathered friends. I’ve heard the expression “if you feed them, they will come”…and it is true. I love starting my day with them.
We have done some great hiking, enjoying places like Cape Flattery, walked the Deception Pass bridge…not recommended if you are afraid of heights, which I’m not thankfully, along with other wonderful places the Pacific Northwest has to offer.
I’ve been working…though slowly…on book three of my Sara series. The end is written, and I’ve just finished chapter thirteen…so the plan is to publish in June, fingers crossed. I have another project in the works, but we’ll talk about that at a later date.
I’ve shot a lot of pictures, and posted many of them on my Facebook timeline…and I love all the support I get. My followers, readers, friends, and family are the reason I keep pushing on. I would love to someday be in the league of the photographers I follow…hey, where would we be without our pipedreams.
Yes, it’s been a busy year, and I have no doubt in my mind the next year will be just as busy. We will stay in our current apartment for another year, then see what the following year brings…but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
I hope all of you have a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and are able to take time counting your blessings…one by one.
September was Suicide Awareness Month – but that awareness went unnoticed to one young man, my husband’s son, Nathan. Life changes can become a stacking stone of fear, misunderstandings, and conflict for someone. The change in lifestyle from a child to an adult can leave a staggering effect. Add to it possible health issues, job changes, future college classes, and for some this becomes the recipe for disaster. Afraid of being misunderstood, that person may start holding these fears back from others in an attempt to continue with their “I’m okay” façade they normally carry. But suicide is not the answer…it only takes away the promise of tomorrow, future companionship, the last hug, or trips to build memories from. It is like the boulder that is dropped into the center of a lake, the rock drops into the water, but the ripple it creates goes out for a long way…those ripples are the lives left behind.
So little was know of the many lives Nathan touched – not until the tide changed and a tear fell…followed by millions more – suicide takes many victims, leaving a path of distraction in its wake. My stepson turned nineteen only a few weeks ago. A few months earlier, we celebrated his graduation from high school…today we grieve his death. We can only lean on God for comfort because even though we want answers, there are none. Nathan kept his emotional struggles locked deep inside him; no one had any idea of the turmoil he carried. His focus was not on himself, but on others…choosing to not burden anyone with even a glimmer of darkness that had a grip on him. Now as we all gather at Nathan’s home, where only a few months earlier we celebrated with laughter, silly stories, food, and gifts…today the house is filled with family and friends, along with many teenagers who come bearing tears, matching ours one for one. Nate’s friends bring no answers, none at all; their shock is evident in their tears and questions. Nathan spoke with his dad earlier that day, telling him of the great fun he was having, then talking more about the trip he and his dad planned for December, a trip that will never take place now. Instead, that trip was altered because Nathan’s burdens filled him with despair he could no longer take, and he made the decision to end his life, in his car, overlooking a beautiful rolling hill ridge, alone, in the wee hours of Saturday morning, while his family, friends, co-workers, and other acquaintances, slumbered the hours away.
Nathan had ADHD, but he chose not to take medicine, the reason is irrelevant today, but that disorder causes thoughts to go unfocused, thoughts that need medication to get a clear understanding of the tasks at hand. Thoughts tackling each other so quickly it’s like short-circuiting the ability to manage the spinning cycle. It can cause frustration in the struggles to get tasks done, overwhelming it’s victims – this is the only answer we have to gain any ground as to what was plaguing Nathan…to help us understand how a dark blanket can weigh one person down in hopelessness enough to have this end result, and yet the same blanket of doom is lifted off another when the sunshine warms the corners of that darkness giving hope to the person hidden beneath? There were no signs with Nathan, no glimpse of this dark blanket waiting on the sidelines to take over his world.
The expression used many times to describe Nathan was “he ran life at full throttle”…that “his smile was infectious”, “his jokes funny”; “he was goofy”, “he was always happy”…this was the Nathan we know and love. Everyone in Nathan’s life was touched by him in one way or another, as we hear stories of how fun, happy, goofy he was, we also heard stories of how he always went out of his way to help someone in need, how he lifted a helping hand when someone was down and out, needed help with a project, or how he protected classmates who were picked on, how he walked one classmate from room to room to keep her safe from bullies. How he was by a friend’s side every step of the way during a four-year struggle with cancer, fixing dinners, making everyone laugh during his friend’s chemo treatments. How a few weeks ago, Nathan and his best friend partnered with the Children’s Center of Medina to have a 5K Run against human trafficking. Nathan was passionate to end this atrocity. This walk will now be renamed “Nathan Vermote’s Run To Freedom”. We never knew the impact he had on their lives because Nathan was a humble, selfless person that did none of these things to gain a pat on the back, or a “good job, son”. He was a hero to so many…a fun, lovable hero. That was our Nathan…and we are left speechless. No words can describe the loss of a child. The helplessness that follows will last indefinitely because life has been altered forever. Everyone will once again learn to smile, laugh, and go about their day, but the unanswered questions will rumble around in the back of our minds…what did we miss. And as those thoughts creep into our minds, we will need to give them to God, for only He and Nathan know why, and the reasons will not bring him back.
Now we are left with only memories, at times filled with quiet tears, other times filled with wails of sorrow. Memories fill our hearts…mine of the summers he spent with his dad and me in Colorado, or our time spent together in Michigan on our river property, or in Nathan’s home town of Brunswick, Ohio; where he showed us his rock climbing skills – but my most joyful memory will always be how his face would light up every time he looked at his dad, helped him with a project, or as I watched the intensity that filled his eyes as he listened to his dad teach him survival skills during our camping trips. All of us that know and love Nate will continue to fill our minds with memories…tucking them safely in our hearts to honor a young man who loved many and was loved by even more. So evident in the car rally and fundraiser put on by his friends to help pay for funeral expenses. That night we heard even more stories…one young lady cried as she told us he stopped her from suicide more than once. His best friend told us how every Sunday before church he took garbage bags and cleaned the roads littered from a week worth of trash scattered by people with little respect for their city streets. The stories continued even through his memorial service at Pathway Church, where about 600 friends and family gathered together to pay their respect and love to Nathan. The stories we heard have given all of us hope in the generation we have been interacting with for over a week now. Nathan and all of his friends live a drug and alcohol-free lifestyle – one that is filled with motor-cross, hot rods, rock climbing, and as we recently learned, Parkour…(which is scaling buildings…yikes)…along with many other wholesome activities. Many of them went to church with Nathan and spent Thursday evenings in bible study with him. Nathan was a Christian, young and seeking, and found pure comfort in reading scripture, learning about life…things not taught in a textbook because his focus was on others, not on himself, a trait gained from his dad, and a gift he was blessed with by God, Our Father.
I hope by writing this blog, that others who are in this pain will understand there is hope. When people asked Nathan why he did acts of kindness, he would humbly state his motto… “So others can live”. He wanted others to “know hope”, as he took those in despair and gave them reasons to go on. We wish he could have found that hope himself, but for him it was always about others and he leaves a legacy of hope for others behind. To Nathan, life was about loving others…his friends, sad and devastated, will continue to do Nathan’s work as best they can, and they will love each other through this tragedy.
If you know someone who is the quiet type about what’s going on in his or her life…be suspicious, try and teach them to share their story. If others you know are willing to share their story…listen, and if you feel any concern, get advice, get help. If you are struggling with anything, please talk to someone, life holds hard times, but they are temporary…they can be helped with the love and support of others.
We couldn’t save Nathan’s life, but we don’t want his death to be meaningless, please reach out and help your friends, or maybe yourself, understand there are ways to fix a temporary situation.
Suicide…it takes many victims.
In Loving Memory of Nathan “Nate” Vermote
8/30/96-9/19/15
Hi, today is a great day…why, you ask…well, because it’s FREE Tuesday. I’m giving away “Do I Know You” as a FREE ebook for a week. This is my first baby…my first completed and published novel. I have since published book two of the series “Taking What Is Mine” and a stand-alone “As If Yesterday”…so this is a perfect opportunity to check out my first book, hopefully love it and continue to read the rest of my books. I am currently working on the next book “Four of Spades” that will be book three of my “Sara” Series, and I’m also working on another stand-alone book…(title unknown at this time). So, let’s all hear it for FREE…get your ebook today at
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/361999
If the link does not work, just cut/paste the address above and it will take you there.
And, happy reading.
RELEASE DATE – May 21st – As If Yesterday
Here is my newest book and I’m taking pre-orders for an autographed copy. If you are interested, please PM me and I’ll get you on the list. Thank you everyone for your support and interest…here is a taste of what is to come 🙂
After thirteen years of moving from city to city in an attempt to escape her past, Mi returns home, and before long finds herself standing on the steps of the house that haunts her dreams. Regardless of the layers of paint used to conceal the past, she senses the secrets held within its walls.
Even as she makes positive changes in her life, including a new boyfriend, she finds her past has brought one man with it, one who will stop at nothing to unbury the truth. Now with old boyfriends dead, the question remains, by whose hand did they die. Her struggle with lost moments has taught her to skim past the questions and look away from the truth of what she is, who she is…victim or monster.
Sometimes we make decisions that are easy and some not so easy…this decision had me pondering for a few years. I’ve colored my hair for so many years, I wasn’t even sure I would recognize my original color. But the time has come for me to shed the dye, bare the real, and let the glitter of my hair shine through. Yes, I call it glitter (a term snatched from a posting on Facebook), instead of gray because I like the way it sounds. I talked to a hairdresser about stripping the color out…not a good idea. I checked into products I could purchase on my own, and apply myself, from the local hair product shop…also not a good idea. It would have bleached out the color and I could have potentially had yellow hair…not for me, and that’s not even talking about the damage it could do. So, it is growing out slowly…quarter inch by quarter inch. I admit it was a bit frightening for me, but I’m getting use to it more each day. I’m doing okay with it at this point, I think because I’ve realized something important, I’ve earned this glitter. I’m also okay with this decision because I decided it was time to embrace my age. Age doesn’t stop me trying to look my best, unless it’s a stay at home scrub the floors type of day, but let’s face it, I look at myself in the mirror every morning, I see the changes in my face…so let’s get this change completed. One step I still need to take is changing my portrait shot for the back of my books. I don’t like having my picture taken…at all…but I’ll tough through it and may even get it done before the release of “As If Yesterday”…but time will tell, the deadline is looming and I don’t want to reset the timer. One very helpful part of this process is having a husband that loves me regardless of my glitter (he hasn’t even a noticeable amount of gray hair yet…grrrrr). He loves the way I am, wrinkle for wrinkle, and glitter too. It’s not a choice for everyone, but for me this process will work out okay…I am loved for more than my youth…I am loved for my heart, mind and soul as well. So glitter…bring it on.