Daily Archives: October 25, 2020

As a child, I thought I was stupid because I wasn’t learning like other children. I didn’t have special classes in school and became lost in the sea of kids. That was life in the ’50s and ’60s – unless you stood up and said, “Help Me,” – you did what was necessary to get by. I was too ashamed to ask for help, and as a quiet (I heard those snickers…lol) and painfully shy child (were those more snickers), I have spent my life ashamed because I struggled to learn, read, understand, comprehend, and retain information, and at times, even explain the world around me.

No matter how I was doing at work, the same question niggled in my brain, “Am I just stupid?” – as an adult, when I finally did talk to my family doctor, I was in my mid-twenties, I’d started working for the bank and my stress level with life, and work was maxing out me out. He talked to me about dyslexia, and from there, I started finding ways to help myself. Even knowing it wasn’t my fault, a good amount of shame and embarrassment comes with the diagnosis, so there is not talking about it to anyone. I just had to determine how things would work for me. 

I began figuring out little tricks to help me along the way, but the most important step that helped was reading. Thankfully, over the years, I realized reading for fun meant it wasn’t a race. If it took me five months to read a book, so be it. When I was a young adult, I would watch my sisters read at lightning speed and remember what they read…good grief; my “stupid” light was brightly shining. But I never gave up. Reading novels brought a new appreciation for words and how, when strung together, they bring joy, fear, suspense, and any other emotion felt when reading a good novel.

So, how did I learn to do my different jobs? I practiced for hours every night until I learned the task at hand. When my kids were tucked in bed, I was studying, running over notes, making new notes, and hoping the action of hand to the brain would work. I knew the sooner I got a handle on the task, the sooner I would earn my downtime in the evening, i.e., movies.

When I first went to work at the bank, I had to run a 10-key machine – right-handed – I’m left-handed. I practiced at home for hours at a time until I could key with the best of them. I’ve always written poems to express my emotions, so I decided why not use writing as a step to help at work.  When I worked for the Lockbox Dept at the bank, I realized what would help me learn was to volunteer to create procedural documentation for new employees. I could use a step-by-step process to make that connection between writing and remembering. Through my years of working, I never disclose my disability; because I was concerned, it would jeopardize their view of me and possible advancements – basically my job.  Over the years, I learned to have my assignments done early enough, so I’d have time to check, double-check, and triple-check my work. Over the years, I’ve taken three I.Q. Tests – if only to convince me, I am not stupid. I’ve always ranked between 125-130, so seeing that helps me realize I have a disability, but I am smart – trust me, it helps push me. But I continue to have a dictionary and a thesaurus with me at my desk, I use a program called Grammarly – and where would I be without spell-check…just saying.

Retiring was the most relief I have felt in my life. Knowing from that day forward, anything I was going to need or want learn was not going to affect a paycheck – it was for fun. My husband says I am, by far, the most determined person he has ever known. He has been witness to my self-learning areas around publishing my books, just for starters. But he still has to work with me when we are attempting a project together. I can’t have instructions just hollered at me and then expect me to absorb them like others, including him. I have to chunk it out so my brain can figure out what is expected. Over the past few years, I have been open with my disability, and now I want to help others understand it, too. I hope the facts I shared during this week gave you some insight into my world and other dyslexics because we are everywhere.