Monthly Archives: August 2020

I realized over the past few years that I don’t know who I am – but not in the sense of needing to “find myself” but that my beliefs are not lining up with one political party or the other. With this virus, all of our lives have changed. I watch people spewing their disdain for how awful a political party is, how poorly they handle our different situations, and visa-versa.
We are fighting two wars now, the COVID-19 war and the political war. They both feel like a virus to me, and I wonder if either of them will die away? It’s unfortunate that, in reality, remanence of both will always be there. The stress and tension the political parties are causing people is as bad as the stress and anxiety in our need to avoid COVID-19. Still, some will contract the virus and may die. Others will protest for their beliefs and die as well. Maybe the way death arrives isn’t the same, but people are dying regardless. There are too many examples to list – but the question remains, are there any winners in these wars?
That is why I say I am “nothing” anymore. Not in the emotional, physical sense – but the political mind. I’m not a Republican; I’m not a Democrat. I am a person who believes in Pro-Choice, so, apparently, I can’t be a real Republican. But I also believe in protecting my backyard, so I can’t be a real Democrat either. I support LGBTQ and Black Lives Matter, so that takes me out of the Republican side from what I understand – but I’m stopped from crossing the line over to the Democrats because I don’t believe in how the “special rights” are handled either. I am left-handed, have dyslexia, and I’m a woman – so do you want to talk special rights, because I’ve never had any. If you look closely, you will see the scars on my hand from being slapped with a ruler for using the “wrong hand.” Maybe take a look in my soul and see the devastation within from a lifetime of feeling stupid because I have severe dyslexia and cannot learn like the rest of my family, friends, and classmates.
I don’t believe in slavery, so I’m back to supporting Republicans because they abolished slavery. I don’t want people shot because of the color of their skin, but I’m not going to support the Democratic ideas to defund the police force either – we need order. We need to take control over bad behavior with whatever authority is needed, and no, that does not make me a communist. And for the record, I’m also NOT a racist because I recognize the differences in culture. So, saying Asian store owners carry Asian food items is factual, not racist. Or that Black people have more rhythm – or that White men can’t jump like Black men. I won’t feel bad that I’m white, but I’m sorry for any ethnic group that has been discriminated against. I was called “Poor White Trash” growing up – it might not be the same in some eyes, but discrimination comes in many forms – and it stays in you for a lifetime. However, recognizing ethnic facts is honoring their culture, period. I’m in trouble if I say “all lives matter” or “I see people, not their color,” – yet everyone wants to be treated equally. At first I was offended by the comments “Black Lives Matter” and “White Privilege” – but only because I thought we were fighting for equality. Then I educated myself on the meanings – now I understand, and I hope you do, too. There are some differences I embrace – seriously, who doesn’t like a good Taco, or Fried Rice – while other aspects don’t fit in my lifestyle – but that does NOT make me a racist. Regardless of ethnic profiling, if a group is causing people harm – well, I’m all for blasting them with a fire hose. I’m not a coddler, and I won’t baby bad behavior – so now I’m back on the Republican side…good grief.
I’m not confused about how I feel, but I feel frustrated because I don’t fit anywhere anymore. I want to help people, but I don’t want them abusing what is provided. It’s a complicated place to be. I rule with “spare the rod, spoil the child” theory, but I don’t believe in being abusive or unreasonable – where does one draw the line. If I lived in one of the oppressed countries, I would do whatever it took to beg, borrow, or steal my way into this country. But once I was here, I would do whatever it took to become a citizen and pull my weight – but if the government doesn’t supply the necessary means for that to happen, then how is that my fault if I’m in desperate need of freedom. And to top it off, the only people who are true Americans are Native Americans – the rest of us are descendants of invaders or those who were dragged here…good grief, people, we are all privileged, and we don’t even deserve it after what our ancestors did to get this land…just saying.
As a young adult raising kids, I didn’t notice life sliding by me this fast. Now my mortality is staring me in the face, and I want to spend my few years loving people and living a simple and happy life, but I want to hold people accountable at the same time. When I was a teen I wanted to make a difference, and I was a part of some good changes, but I see the “need to be right” or “noticed,” for that matter, as a growing epidemic – and I’m here to tell you, folks, it’s bigger than any of us – and it’s not going away. Can we make changes, you bet, but how we go about it can sway people’s reactions. Pushing something down someone’s throat the wrong way will only push them away. I do not claim to have answers…just so you know.
I rarely talk politics with anyone, including my husband, because it is likely to stir up differences, or the need for one person or other to argue their point. In reality, not once have I seen anything good come of arguing over politics or religion. Feelings get hurt; the stands very rarely ever change (though the other party may say it’s changed just to change the subject) – so what is the point. The fact is there is a variety of extenuating circumstances for every situation. Nothing is ever clear-cut; nothing fits perfectly in any box. Sometimes you might give me food for thought, and times you cannot convince me to cross over to your way of thinking. I do wish people could find common ground and get along, but that’s only a fantasy anymore.
At this point in life, I’d rather enjoy each other’s company talking about a book we read, a movie we watched, or a new series we like on Netflix or Hulu while we drink a cup of coffee, sip a cup of tea, or celebrate life with a glass of wine.
I apologize for fluffing up my dander. None of this is directed towards any conversations with anyone, so please do not take this personally as it is not meant to be, but, as always, thank you for reading my ramblings.
I hope you will keep one thing in mind – life is precious; life is good – life is a journey, so enjoy the ride.