Monthly Archives: May 2014

As Mother’s Day comes to a close, I sit huddled up in my warm house due to the snowstorm that decided to make a May appearance. Sitting here, I cannot help but think about my own mother. She has been gone about forty years, leaving me to hold tight to the good memories that are precious to me. I remember coming home from school to the smell of fresh baked bread throughout the house. She would cut me a slice, almost too hot to touch, smothered with butter or peanut butter, and watch as I savored the taste of the doughy substance. I think about the cold days when she made sticky buns, served with a cup of hot chocolate. Memories of a pansy she would leave in this little brass teapot for me. I smile when I look at that little teapot today. When I was twelve, she wrote me a letter I now keep in my treasured items box…a letter of love, commitment, and joy that I was her child…confirmation of her love.

Now gone so many years, I am also sad she missed out on her grandchildren. I know she is watching from heaven, and hopefully guiding a bit as well, but I cannot imagine never holding my grandchild in my arms. Never watching my daughter become a mother herself. Never experiencing the joys of grandchildren as they adventure into school and friends. As I watch my own daughter with her children, I realize how blessed I am to be able to witness what my mother was not able to enjoy. I hold on tight to the memories of watching my daughter in the kitchen making dinner as we make small talk about the day. Listening as she guides her children through their evening routine. Once a child, now a mother of two daughters. I know my daughter will be blessed someday to experience what I see today…the beauty of motherhood.

Over spring break, my daughter, my daughters boyfriend, his mom, and my two granddaughters spent four days in California. Two days in Disneyland, one in California Adventures, and the last day being tourists in Los Angeles. Wonderful memories of watching family enjoy amusement parks, watching them as they laugh with such a sense of contentment was breathtaking. Then to spend a few more extra days with them just living life as I took part in their daily activities. Sadly I am reminded that I will not wake up in the morning to see their smiling faces. I will not be there to pick them up after school or see the upcoming sports games, taekwondo or other activity on a regular basis, which makes those times more precious than gold, and I’ll never take any of those moments for granted.

I am so proud of my daughter as a mother, and I am so blessed to witness her motherly love, guidance and nurturing over the past fourteen years. Now I live in another state and because our time is limited to my visits, every moment, laugh and conversation becomes a moment to treasure close to my heart.

Being a mother has been one of the toughest, yet most rewarding jobs I’ve held, and letting go of my children an even harder job. I love the opportunities I’ve had to watch my daughter as a mother…her ability is amazing and makes me unbelievably proud. I know that even though my mother cannot be with me in the physical world, she has watched me raise my children and my children raising their children. I only hope she is as proud of me as I am of my daughter in her role as a mother.

Being a mother never ends…needing a mother never ends either.

I sit by the sea, watching, waiting for an answer to come in with the curl of a wave. Maybe the next one will hold the truth; maybe it will hold that infinite key of life, love and the pursuit of happiness.

Why is it so easy to make some decisions – what sweater to wear, what movie to see…yet matters of the heart will yank us around like a rag doll. If we love, are we loved back as expected? We know we need to protect our heart after so many tears, but then we give it away fully, so sure this time it will be protected and caressed in the manner needed – yet knowing we risk being disappointed again. Decisions are full of questions, regrets filling both sides – yet nowhere do we find the answers – nowhere are the directions clear. No blueprint sits with the mathematical lines leading here or there.

Days become a riveting array of emotions, either side holding answers, while at the same time leaving questions. Words and promises pull at us as if they are right…they hold the truth. Then the fear of their emptiness makes us want to run, hide…jump ahead to where we want to be, where we belong…but the impact of that decision is dark, unfriendly with unexpected results we are frightened to see, feel, hear…will the trail we leave ever heal? Will it see new life as we seek new air to breath…an unknown answer that haunts our core of being as we desperately wish to control it.

I sit by the sea and wait, surely a wave will release the answer as it claims the sandy beach…surely.